I know you’re not anywhere to read this, but I wanted to write it anyway.
It’s been 2 years now since we were last together and I want you to know how things are going, how the boys are, what’s happening in our lives. It hurts so much to know that I can’t tell you these things, so I’m just going to pretend you can read this and tell you anyway.
You would be so proud to see your boys right now – they have coped amazingly. I remember how distraught we both were when we first got the diagnosis/prognosis – How would we tell the boys, how would they cope? Well, they are both doing really well. Dougie is still the spitting image of you. He was really strong after you died and really helped me through many a bad day. He’s had a bit of trouble with insomnia, but at least he lets me know when he’s feeling sad – which is a minor miracle for him! He’s started learning to play the cornet and has his first concert on Sunday evening. He goes on a school trip to Lowport next year and is pretty excited (on a Dougie scale of excitement, of course) about going climbing and kayaking.
Speaking of kayaking, you’ll be happy to know that I asked Nigel to sell your kayaking gear… and get got more for your kayak than you originally paid for it 😀
Euan is doing great too. He’s not forgetting you, and he loves to sit with me and look at old family photos together. After you died he had a little more trouble adjusting than Dougie. For a while he didn’t really understand that you were really gone and I had to keep explaining it to him. That was a really hard thing to have to do. When he started school we had some problems with him not wanting to be separated from me. It took a while to get past that, but he’s fine now. He’s a great little reader and seems to really enjoy school. He’s always out playing with his pals in the street and getting up to mischief.
And me. How am I doing? Well I’ve had more up days than down days recently, but the down days are still awful. Obviously, this time of year is particularly hard for me. The anniversary brings that awful time back to me really strongly, and christmas is difficult of course. I try to keep it upbeat and fun for the kids, but every time I sign a card or present from me and don’t put your name on there too, I get a little jolt of sadness.
But I feel like I am starting to find my way through it all. Finding a balance between moving on with my life and not wanting to leave you completely behind. I’m still singing with the choir and had a great trip with them to Denmark last year. The singing really helps me when I’m feeling low or stressed. I’ve also really been getting interested in photography and have my camera with me almost all the time. Its another thing that helps to distract from my thoughts when my mind is whirling.
It feels very weird to be telling you this, but I’ve met someone who has been taking very good care of me. It took a while to get my head round, but I know you would want me to be happy. I think you would like him and he could certainly give you a run for your money in the bad pun arena. We play lots of music together and we went to Cambridge Folk Festival in the summer, where we saw The Proclaimers and Billy Bragg and lots of other great bands. The kids really like him, which is obviously so important.
So, that’s about it – you know I was never one for writing pages and pages. I just wanted you to know that you are still in our thoughts and in our hearts and you always will be no matter where life takes us in the future. And a little part of you lives on through the boys, who will never forget what a fantastic dad you were.
Lots of love,